And some of the results also had been announced to the collegians.
I got both deep low results in Calculus and Physics, for English I got 27 of 40 but I think it's either disappointed and not proudly. I thought i could get more than 30 on English, but I'm not.
For Calculus and Physics I even can't reach 5 of 40.
I hate it.
I hate when I remember this disappointing points I got.
I hate when I thinking on how to tell my parent about this shit.
I hate when I hear people talk about their points which are bigger than mines and said "I just don't know" or " I get bad too" or "I didn't get any sense of it" or even "I thought I'll get bigger!"
I hate it!!!, I hate it!!!, I hate it!!!
It's better if they said "it's supposed to be!" or "well, I've done my best, I couldn't do better" or "it's good, it'll hurt you if you know it"
shit!! shit!! shit!
I afraid if my parent know this scummy results, they've been thinking about so much good things on/of me.
I afraid if I can't do or get better.
I afraid I will be dropped out, then mess everything up.
I afraid of being an effete man.
I afraid of being poor.
I afraid I'll become something bad.
I afraid with what will come as the affects of this.
:(
My father has been working hard for me.
My mother even, ever apologized for telling me repeatedly to be serious on study.
My parent has been giving their best for me so that I can continue my study either well and adequately.
My Mother has been telling me to eat well so that I can study fit whereas I was smoking and ain't eat yet,
My Father has been telling me to study and relearn the lesson whereas I was with my friends, joking around,
My Father has been telling about how's the world, if there's no useful and intelligence people whereas I was hanging out and going out spending his money,
My Father asked me how was school, I said it's ok, but actually I didn't enter class because was oversleeping.
My Father has been asking me if I have opened the books that I've never open, or even there are no books,
My Father has been asking me how are you doing, then I said "I'm studying with my friends" or "I'm finishing my so much tasks" whereas I was doing nothing.
My mother also was telling me, how miss is she to me, but didn't want to call me, cause she thought, she'd bother me in study. Whereas I'm missing her.
I didn't regret those things at all.
But now I do.
I don't know why I've been so bad.
And I don't know why am I realize that I've been so bad.
I thought I was change.
And now I don't know If I've changed.
I don't know. I wish I'll study well and understand, and get good results.
I've been saying to myself since the time I got my results to stop playing around and doing nothing!!
I've been being down. I thought I was going crazy or stress.
I also still down when I think about it again, about how disappointing am I.
actually, I'll never end this blog, if I write about this.
I'll always tell about how disappointing am I, about How shaming am I, about how much are my desires, about how regret am I, about every my hope to people, to parent, to friends, to company, to school, to myself, and about so much sucks things!
I have tired with this feeling, but I still in it.
I think I will never get away from this feeling, until I make my lovely people around me smile and glad because I have make them proud of me.
I think so...
and.. I hope so..
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar